Cracky Crack Fic of Doom
by Potterwatcher
Summary: It is every FF author's duty to write a cracky fic full of cliches, stereotypes, and generally silly stuff. WARNING: Contains OCs; references to mangas, movies, and the like; and lots of humor!
1. Self Insertion Cliches!

**A/N: Do not take this seriously, I'm just joking around. This is a parody of sorts, including a lot of fanfiction steriotypes.**

**Disclaimer: Me no own. Me Writer, you Reader.**

* * *

Signy yawned over her math homework. It was Tuesday evening, and she was preparing for the math quiz on Friday. Sometimes, it sucked to be one of the smart kids. She had only just started 8th grade, and already they had her doing Geometry, which was 10th grade level! Everyone else her age was outside, enjoying the warm fall weather. Whatever, at least she was getting high school credits. She decided that she deserved a break, so she opened her favorite book series, Harry Potter. Signy was rereading the series yet again, and was currently on the third book. Her exhaustion caught up with her, though, and her eyes started to droop as she read. 'I wish I could be part of that world,' was her last thought as she gave in to slumber.

* * *

Albus Dumbledore stood up, smiling down at the happy students before starting his beginning of the year speech. "Welcome, everyone, to another magical year at Hogwarts. As you may have noticed, we have dementors patrolling the grounds as an extra measure of security. There is no need to fear them, as long as you stay out of their way you will remain unharmed. Mr. Filch has asked me to remind the students that the Forbidden Forest is exactly that, Forbidden, and dungbombs are not allowed-" before he could finish his announcements, however, he was interrupted by a loud cracking noise, signaling the arrival of a slumbering young girl holding several books. As people started whispering he yelled "Silence," absolutely certain that the year was about to get a lot more interesting.

* * *

Signy felt like she had only just fallen asleep before being awakened by a loud voice yelling silence, with, oddly enough, a British accent. She rubbed at her eyes and looked around blearily, before gasping in shock. She was at… Hogwarts? How was that possible? She was pulled out of her thoughts by DUMBLEDORE himself!

"How Earth did you manage to bypass the wards and get into the castle, Miss…?"

"Oh, I'm Signy Peterson. Sorry, I have absolutely no idea. I was just thinking about how I wished that Hogwarts were real and I could go before I fell asleep…" Her eyes widened "Oh, that must be it, I'm dreaming! What year is Harry Potter in this year?"

"Umm, third Miss Peterson," the wise wizard answered. "And what do mean, you wished Hogwarts was real-" Dumbledore started to ask, but was interrupted by an excited 13 year old.

"Hogwarts doesn't exist; it's a book series by J.K. Rowling. But wait, I'm not going to waste my time in this dream with that!" She chattered quickly before turning to Snape, suddenly turning serious (no pun intended) "Lily would understand." She continued, leaving Snape with his mouth open in astonishment "She loved you platonically. And he isn't a carbon copy of his father, take the chance to get to know him before you judge him," she added before looking at Dumbledore. "Dumbles, most of the time you're brilliant, but you make the biggest mistakes. You NEED to tell Harry about the prophecy and Voldemort, and the horcruxes too. And what were you thinking, leaving him with the Dursleys? I don't care how many blood wards there are, they locked him in a freaking cupboard until his Hogwarts letter came. There is no excuse for that, and they still don't feed him enough. I mean, he should be with his godfather, Sirius Black…" She said angrily, before her eyes widened again "Oh my god, you don't know yet, Sirius is innocent! Hmm, I wonder if this will work…" she continued, after which she quickly turned and yelled "Accio Pettigrew!" To everyone's astonishment, Ron Weasley's pet rat came flying towards her. "Yes! Animagus revelio!" she continued, after which the rat turned into a short fat man.

"A-albus, ho-how are you, old fr-friend?" He started to stammer before Signy yelled "Petrificus Totalus!"

"This is Peter Pettigrew, he was the Potters' real Secret Keeper and the one who revealed them to Voldemort. Honestly, you'd think you'd know that, considering you were the one who cast the Fidelius charm. As you can see, Sirius Black is innocent and Harry will be going to live with him this summer, not that hellhole you forced him into."

"Miss Peterson! How are you doing this, without a wand? And I refuse to believe that you simply wished and got past some of the best wards in the world!" McGonagall said agitatedly.

"Oh yeah, these are great wards. Only excellent wards would let in giant three headed dogs named Fluffy, possessed teachers, trolls, basilisks, and let's not forget part of Voldemort's soul in a diary. And this is a dream, I can do whatever I want. Accio Sirius Black." After a moment, a giant black dog came flying through the window. "Animagus Revelio." The giant dog then morphed into Sirius Black. "Were you the Potters' Secret Keeper?" She asked him quickly.

Black looked shocked "No, that was Peter…" He started to say before he caught sight of the aforementioned man "PETTIGREW! YOU RAT BASTARD! I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL KILL YOU! YOU TOLD YOU-KNOW-WHO WHERE JAMES AND LILY WERE! WE TRUSTED YOU, DAMMIT!"

He started to charge at Pettigrew, only Remus stopping him "S-Siri?" Sirius stopped, looking torn, before spitting in Pettigrew's face, turning around, and giving his old friend a hug.

"Looks like you'll have Padfoot's company this month, Moony." Signy joked before both the Weasley twins and the two Marauders gasped. The Weasleys gasped because two of their heroes were standing mere feet away, the Marauders because Signy knew Moony's secret.

Before the Marauders could question Signy on her knowledge of the Marauders and Moony's 'time of month', the doors of the Great Hall burst open and a bunch of dementors glided in.

"Like I said, Dumbles, spectacular wards," Signy said sarcastically.

"_Where is she?"_ A slightly creepy voice came out from under the dementor's cloak.

"Umm, what 'she' are you talking about?" Signy asked it, confused as to why she didn't feel completely drained of any positive emotion in the dementors' presence. Maybe people in this world were more sensitive? "Cuz, I don't know if you've noticed, but like half of the people in here are female."

"_You are she."_ It said, almost in awe.

"Yes, I'm glad you know that I'm a girl. And that wasn't proper grammar. Speaking of which, I didn't know that dementors could speak."

"_Most do not understand, Great Lady. The dementor's tongue is one that cannot be easily mastered, and few humans even try."_

"Then why can I understand you?"

"_You are the Lady."_

"Yes, we've been over this, I'm a girl. Would you care to elaborate on what that means to you?"

"Excuse me, Miss Peterson, but could we continue our discussion in my office?" Dumbledore interrupted.

"Not without at least three witnesses, dude. I never go anywhere alone with adult males unless I know them and trust them, even if they are gay. Also, I don't trust that you won't just obliviate me and cover this up. Besides me and…" She turned look at the dementor she had been speaking with "What is your name, anyway?"

"_Sallos,"_

"Okay. As I was saying, my handsome new friend Sallos and I were in the middle of a conversation, which you rudely interrupted."

"_I am female."_

"Oops, I mean my _lovely _new friend Sallos. Wow, that was fairly hypocritical. No offense, but it's a little hard to differentiate between genders with the long dark cloaks and hoods.

"_None taken, Great Lady. We will continue speaking later, but for now, I believe that your elder is upset with you."_

"Thanks, you rock." Signy smiled before turning back to Dumbledore. "You seriously need to stop holding your cards so close to your chest, or else people are going to die, Dumbles."

"Miss Peterson! You will cease your disrespectfulness to the Headmaster at once!" McGonagall said sternly.

"Respect is earned, and to me, he hasn't earned any yet. Besides, this is a dream, the coolest dream I've ever had, actually. Normally I'm not a lucid dreamer, but this rules! I wonder if I can control my abilities in this world." Signy thought aloud "Aha, I've got it!" She said happily right before a giant snake appeared.

**§Who sssummoned me?§ **The snake hissed, slightly grumpily.

**§I did, I didn't know that I was a parseltongue!§ **Signy said happily. Best. Dream. Ever.

**§You can speak parseltongue?§ **Asked a curious voice from the Gryffindor table. Signy turned and saw a very familiar face looking at her curiously.

**§I guess. I didn't know that I could until now. I'm going to assume that you're Harry? Wait, now we can have secret conversations!§**

**§Yes, I'm Harry, and I guess... but I think that we should switch back to English for now, because everyone is looking at us like we're crazy dark wizards about to kill them at any moment.§**

**§Oh, right.§ **Signy smiled sheepishly at him before switching to English. "We should probably address the more serious issues before I wake up… Wait a second!" She turned to Sallos before asking "What do you know of horcruxes?"

"_Soul pieces."_ She snarled, visibly angry "_To make one is to go against magic herself!"_

"I know of a person who made several. Could you destroy them without destroying the vessel holding them?"

"_Easily. The purpose of our kiss is to remove souls, and soul fragments. Do you know where they are?"_

"Yes, and I think I know how to get to them more quickly than just hunting them down. C'mon, let's go."

And then, to everyone's astonishment (really, you'd think that they'd stop being so surprised by a random girl who had the magical power to appear in the middle of Hogwarts and do magic both wordlessly and wandlessly), Signy rose up into the air and started flying clumsily. "Wow, that really throws off your sense of balance." She said before zooming off with her new dementor friends in tow.

'Well,' Dumbledore thought 'That certainly was interesting. Ah, well, better get on with the feast.' The aged wizard cleared his throat before speaking "Attention, everyone. As I was saying, dungbombs are prohibited. To see a full list of contraband items please check Mr. Filch's office door. Don't worry about Miss Peterson, she will be seen to, and possibly sorted before the Feast is over. Now, tuck in!"

* * *

**: Yeah... I have a lot of free time... Anyways, the next chapter should be up in a couple days, I just want to make it a bit longer. After that, updates are going to be pretty infrequent, as this will be a side story I'm going to write when I'm not working on my other stories. Please review!**


	2. House Elf Army

**A/N: Yeah... I have a lot of freetime...**

**Disclaimer: If Severus, Remus, Tonks, Fred, and Sirius died, then I have nothing to do with the HP books or movies.**

* * *

While Dumbledore was reassuring the students, Signy and Sallos were flying through the corridors up to the 7th floor. Signy was the one to break the silence. "So, why do you keep calling me 'Great Lady'?"

"_You_ are_ the Great Lady. Many thousands of moons ago, dementors were sent to this Earth by our Lord Lucifer himself to battle a great evil. We dare not speak its name. Just before we destroyed it, it cursed us, to be eternally trapped on the mortal plane and bound to humans forever. But, there was one loophole, and our Lord found it. Only the Great Evil could fully remove the curse, however, someone else could change it. Lord Lucifer changed the curse as much as he could, making it so that the dementors would be bound to humans and trapped, until she who was worthy would rise above the rest and set us free."_

"How did you know that I was the Great Lady?" Signy asked curiously "Is her identifying characteristic being able to understand the dementors' tongue?"

_"No, Great Lady." _Sallos responded before reciting a poem that was eerily reminiscent of Trelawney's Prophecy.

_The Sun shall Cherish Her_

_The Moon shall Embrace Her_

_The Stars shall be One with Her_

_Peace shall Follow Her_

_Freedom shall be Forever With Her_

_Every beast shall Sense Her_

_She will Speak the Lost Language of all Creatures_

_The Great Lady Shall Come_

As they walked, Signy went into what she called her 'Hermione mode' as she pondered what all of that could mean. Most of the lines were fairly straightforward. Animals would be able to tell that she was the Great Lady, freedom would be with her and peace would soon follow, every living thing would be able to understand her, and hear it, and she would arrive here. The first few lines though, she had no idea what they could mean. The thought of actual inanimate objects, such as the sun, moon, and stars, cherishing, embracing, and being one with her was ridiculous, so they probably just stood for something. But what? Before she could come up with anything plausible, they had arrived on the 7th floor, across from the Tapestry of who she assumed was Barnabas the Barmy. Signy thought out what she was going to think very carefully before she started pacing. After all, she wouldn't want to end up the recipient of a nasty curse like the one that Dumbledore was hit with in 6th year! 'I need a room with all of Voldemort's authentic horcruxes in it, except for Voldemort himself, completely de-cursified (Who cared if that was actually a word or not), and defenseless. As soon as she was done with the third pace, a door appeared. A magical sparkly purple door appeared, to be exact, and it stuck out like a beacon in the old fashioned castle. Signy gave it a funny look and shrugged. Who knew how Hogwarts worked?

"Why, Hogwarts herself does!" A motherly voice said in her mind.

"Ahhh! NO! NOT THE VOICES!" Signy screamed whilst running in circles before running into a conveniently placed closet behind a conveniently placed bush to plant conveniently placed mushroom seeds in her sorrow.

"Hey! Stop planting mushrooms in other peoples' storages rooms!" The voice said indignantly "And I'm not a random voice inside of your head! I am Hogwarts!"

Signy slowly crawled out of her makeshift emo corner with a small crop of mushrooms in a random basket that she had found in her conveniently placed closet. "So I can talk to you, too? How is that possible! I didn't even know that you were sentient, let alone had the gift of language!"

"I have stood for over a thousand years. Over that time, all of the magic inside of me combined in a way that is way too long and overly complicated to explain to you in detail, but somehow made me sentient."

"Magic really can do anything," Signy muttered under her breath before continuing in a normal tone. "Er, right, it was nice meeting you, but, uh, Sallos and I are going to go destroy Voldemort's horcruxes and prevent a drawn out and overly complicated plot that causes both a war and the suffering and death of several slightly less prominent characters in the story."

"Okay, have fun! I'll talk to you again after the sorting, I think that I'm going to go talk to Humphrey, and then maybe have a rousing discussion with my good friend the Castle Anthrax! She houses young men aged 14 to 17 ½ instead of girls 16 to 19 ½ nowadays, you know."

Signy blinked. She had the strangest feeling that Hogwarts was trying to set her up with the young men in Castle Anthrax, and was sure that if the castle could, she would have winked. She shook it off before realizing, 'Wait, if Castle Anthrax exists, does that mean…!?' No, she would contemplate whether or not Monty Python and the Holy Grail actually happened later, when she didn't have so many important things to do. She opened the magical sparkly door, realizing as she went through it that Hogwarts hadn't explained why the door looked like that in the first place. It was a surprisingly comfortable and spacious room, with brown leather chairs in front of a roaring fire on one side, and long metallic tables with Horcruxes on them on the other side. There they were, the locket, the cup, the diadem, a sleeping Nagini, the already destroyed diary, the ring, and… Harry. Signy was slightly surprised to see the boy there. She idly wondered what the people in the Great Hall must have thought when he had disappeared. She shrugged it off. It couldn't have been _that_ bad…

* * *

Some semblance of normalcy had returned to the Great Hall after Signy had left and Black and Pettigrew had been escorted out by aurors. One of the most noticeable differences was that the students were whispering rumours at an even faster rate than usual. Some of the most outrageous had been that Peterson was a time traveler who was Snape's fiance before a potions accident de-aged her and sent her to the past to prevent the apocalypse, and that Signy was You-Know-Who reincarnated and was in cahoots with Potter to take over the entire wizarding world. Harry just rolled his eyes. The student population would believe anything, even if there was no evidence of a crime. Once accused, you were guilty unless proven innocent (cough, chamber of secrets, cough).

Harry had been eating his dinner when the perhaps the oddest thing all evening happened. The doors of the Great Hall burst open and what must have been over a hundred house elves marched in, clad in makeshift armour and weapons. Frying pans and rolling pins were clubs, knives were swords, pans were shields, and strainers were helmets. At the front line, leading them all, wearing multiple tea cozies and mismatched socks, was… Dobby? "Missy Castle Hoggywarts Lady be Requiring Master Harry Potter Sir!" Dobby proclaimed proudly over the din of the kitchen instruments banging together.

"Umm, hi Dobby," Harry said tentatively.

"Master Harry Potter Sir greets Dobby like a friend!" Dobby wailed happily, throwing himself at Harry's legs.

"It's, uh, it's good to see you too, Dobby. Why does Hogwarts Lady need me? Come to think of it, who is this Hogwarts Lady?"

"Missy Castle Hoggywarts Lady is Missy Hogwarts herself!" Dobby said with a military salute.

"ALL HAIL MISSY CASTLE HOGGYWARTS LADY!" The House Elves cried before grabbing Harry and popping out of the great Hall. Nearly everyone started freaking out. Well, everyone other than Ronald Weasley. He simply shrugged and went back to eating, thinking that he was just hallucinating from going so long without anything to eat or drink on the train.


	3. Hugs and the Sorting

**A/N: I don't really know how this happened. You see, I've been having some really bad writer's block lately, and all of a sudden, this popped into my head, so, yeah...**

* * *

"Hi Harry!" Signy said cheerfully as Sallos began to destroy the soul pieces. "If you don't mind me asking, how did you get here?"

Harry blinked. Then he blinked again. Once he was sure that he wasn't hallucinating, he grinned and answered. "An army of House Elves, led by my friend Dobby, came into the Great Hall and collected me for their 'Missy Castle Hoggywarts Lady', at least I think that's what they called her."

Signy burst out laughing. "I would have paid to see that!" She said between laughs as she fought to catch her breathe. "Actually, Hogwarts, could we get a pensieve here?" A wild Pensieve appeared! "Thanks."

"What's a pensieve?" Harry asked.

Signy mentally face-palmed. Of course! Harry didn't learn what a pensieve was until 6th year! "A pensieve is a rare magical object that is used to view memories. You extract a memory by thinking about it and using your wand to pull it from your head." She said quickly, almost mimicking Hermione. "May I see the memory of you being pulled from the Great Hall?" At Harry's nod of consent, she used her finger (because she didn't have a wand) to pull the memory from Harry's head and hopped into the pensieve. When she came out she was practically howling with laughter. "That was hilarious! Can you imagine the look on Dumbledore's face once he realised you were gone? Priceless."

"_Great Lady, it is done."_

Signy smiled "Great! Wait, even him?" She said, looking at Harry.

"_He was one, 12 moons ago, but the King of the Serpents' venom cleansed him." _

"Okay, that makes sense. I always did wonder about that in cannon." she said before she turned to Harry. "Now we have to summon ol' Moldy Shorts himself. Do you know what you have to do?"

Harry looked surprised. "Me? Why me?"

Signy face-palmed. Of course! He didn't know the prophecy yet! "There's a prophecy about you and Tom. I have most of it memorized. _The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches ... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies ... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not ... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives ... the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies …_ or something like that."

Harry looked shocked for a few moments, but quickly shrugged it off. After all, you had to allow for some surprises when dealing with an interdimensional traveler who seemed to know everything about you. "Okay. Yeah, I think I know what to do."

* * *

"I can't believe that actually worked!" Signy said gleefully, glancing at her new friends as they entered the Great Hall.

Everyone was relieved and curious when the rumoured 'Dark Lady' entered the hall with her dementor and the Boy-Who-Lived. Dumbledore spoke up. "Ah! Miss Peterson, may I enquire as to what you can't believe worked?"

Signy grinned maniacally. "I'll show you!" She proclaimed as she pulled a memory out of her head. With a wave of her… well, her hand, the memory started playing for everyone to see at the front of the Great Hall.

"_Yeah, I think I know what to do." Memory Harry said as Babymort appeared._

Loud gasps of "He's alive!" filled the Great Hall when this happened. Signy made shushing noises until it was sufficiently quiet before the memory continued playing.

_Harry closed his eyes and turned his wand on Voldemort. "A- Ava-"_

"_WHAT are you doing?!" Signy demanded, twirling a random sparkly orange scarf around her neck. "What, what, what are you doing?!"_

_Harry looked confused. "Didn't you say that I had to be the one to get rid of him?"_

"_Yes, but you're going about it the wrong way. You've got to use 'the power the Dark Lord knows not'."_

_Harry looked slightly annoyed. "And what, exactly, is that?"_

_Signy rolled her eyes. "It's simple. Love."_

And then, the entire Hall watched in shock as Harry Potter proceeded to _hug _the Dark Lord to death.

"And that, Professor," Signy finished with a flourish "Is what I cannot believe actually worked."

Once everyone had calmed down from watching a man whom they had thought was dead for several years get hugged to death, Dumbledore began to speak. "Ah, Miss Peterson?" No response. "Miss Peterson? MISS PETERSON!"

Signy looked up. "Oh yeah, that's me."

Harry looked at her strangely. "Aren't you used to being called by your name?"

"Of course, silly. It's just, well, I might have given you my great-grandmother's last name instead of mine." At Harry's raised eyebrow she hurriedly continued. "I was named after her, so Signy is my first name, it's just, my last name is most definitely NOT Peterson."

Dumbledore temporarily blinded everyone with his twinkling eyes to regain their attention. "Ah, yes, that was very clever of you. Now, since you obviously cannot go back to your dimension, would you like to go to school here and be sorted?"

Signy's eyes shone with delight. "Yes please! I've always wanted to be sorted by the Hogwarts sorting hat!"

And then, with baited breath, Signy walked up to the front of the room and sat under the Sorting Hat. Now, Signy had had many thoughts over the years as to where she's be sorted, and what she'd think under the Hat, so, as soon as the Hat was set down on her head, it was battered with a jumble of thoughts that, while not necessarily in this order, went something like this.

'Please set aside all prejudices I may have, and sort me into the house that suits me the best.'

'So, basically, the cowards who want to be brave go to Gryffindor, the introverts go to Ravenclaw, the ambitious lazies go to Slytherin, and the good, hard working people go to Hufflepuff, but are forgotten and overlooked as a bunch of duffers because of prejudice.'

'Peter Pettigrew got sorted into Gryffindor because he was too stupid for Ravenclaw, not clever enough for Slytherin, and way to traitorous for Hufflepuff? That actually makes sense now.'

'Badgers are vicious. I'd bet on them over a lion cub any day.'

'If Hogwarts had a Scarf of Sexual Preference, would you 'get hitched'?"

'Why is the symbol for Ravenclaw an eagle instead of, oh, I don't know, a raven?'

'What were the founders _actually_ like? Where they all married to each other? Slytherin was with Hufflepuff, wasn't he?!'

'Did Gryffindor and Slytherin have a lovers' spat that resulted in Slytherin leaving the school? Or was it just unresolved sexual tension?'

'I'm pretty sure that in their hearts, every Slytherin has a giant teddy bear, just waiting to be set free!'

'Can you read an Occlumens' mind?'

'Do you have a name? If so, what is it?'

'Does Snape like chocolate?'

Okay, so that last one didn't have much to do with the sorting, but she was dying to know! It was her life's mission, as long as she was stuck in this drug trip, or whatever the heck it was, to become Snape's best friend. It was going to happen, god dammit!

* * *

The occupants of the Hall watched with anticipation as the Hat was set on the interdimensional traveler's head. After a moment, something happened, something, that not even the Weasley twins had managed to accomplish. The Hat opened its' mouth, and laughed.

* * *

'My name is Humphrey, and yes, Hogwarts was talking about me earlier. Don't mind her, she's slightly senile.' The Hat said once it finished laughing.

'You didn't answer my other questions.' Signy said indignantly. She felt like she had a right to be upset. After all, it wasn't every day that you got to speak with an artifact, er, sentient being, as old as Humphrey.

'We can talk later about those.' The Hat said with mirth, obviously amused. 'I, personally, am looking forward to picking your brain on all of this 'Fanfiction' stuff.' He sighed. 'But, for now, I'll just focus on where to put you.'

'Wherever you think is best, man.' Signy responded, trying to keep her cool.

'Hmm, a very tricky fit indeed. Loyalty that would make Helga proud, a very large cunning streak that, even if you don't use it often, an excellent mind, and plenty of bravery and chivalry. Oh yes, the founders would be fighting over you!'

Signy was shocked. 'I know that I stick with my friends, and I do well in school, but I'm not that brave, or ambitious. I want to be a teacher, for goodness sake!'

The Hat chuckled in her mind. 'You underestimate yourself, my dear. You are a very tricky fit. Do you mind if I look deeper into your mind to place you?'

'As long as it doesn't do any damage, it's fine with me.'

* * *

Tempers were starting to fray. The Hat had been on the mystery girl's head for over twenty minutes, and still seemed no closer to making a decision. After a couple minutes of what seemed to be a conversation between the two, the super-witch's eyes had glazed over. When would this stupid sorting be over?!

* * *

Signy was starting to get irritated as well, with the Hat searching through what felt like every corner of her mind. 'Oh, for god's sake!' She finally snapped. 'If I'm so hard to place, then why not just put me in my own house!'

The Hat paused in its mental search, before the mental avatar version of it smiled. 'Why, I hadn't even considered that!'

Signy's eyes widened. 'I was only kidding-'

The Hat cut her off, speaking out loud. "She gets her own house!"

* * *

**A/N: Yeah, I was attacked by the plot bunnies.**


End file.
